Well I think it’s fair enough to mention a few things. Over this last weekend I had a call from my mother with regards to my cousin Rob. She was getting some calls from him as he is having a very hard time since his mother passed away back a year and a half ago. Thereafter, I talked to his older brother Delvin surprised that I had called. It has been some time since we have talked and the reason was to get the telephone number for my cousin Rob seems to be living in a depression. And as soon as I brought that up Delvin's tone of voice went down and he gave his slant on how things were for his younger brother Robby. I called Rob that night and sure as gun's I got the answering machine. So I left it at that and thought that I tried and that is the best that I can do.
Now I know for myself what boundaries I have set and this thing about doing good onto others has it’s limitations – as I have set some so that I move along with my own life after some exhausting things that did take place.
I did not expect a call which came at last night. I was just in bed it was midnight and there was a very depressed person on the other side. I listened to him from 12 to 2 in the morning, as I know what has been said about him, and I never judge I just listen. Rob ironically is in a small town and seems to be almost at that point where he is going to loose several things as he lives every moment of the day thinking his mother is going to come back. He even called a Medium, what ever that is in Pennsylvania and said that he talked to his mother.
Meanwhile, I know that I have my own areas of life from which I am doing, yet rather than cast him aside I know he needs a friend but I told him that we would talk again on Sunday. My mother had said that his brother indicated that he is very close to loosing his wife. As she now is fed up with him, as well, he is kind of fixated on his mother and I think that the best thing for him to do or his brother and sisters to do are to have a kind hearted intervention with him.
All that Rob seems to wish for some of his family to help him and I think that they may be fed up with him now and basically he is on his own, along with a wife that as he mentioned seemed to be part of the problem. I think I can see the entire picture of what is going on and there is one side of me that does want to get involved, but not too involved. I don't want to break the trust with Rob, but I do think there are some things without prying in from his brother that could help. But I don't live there and I don't want to get involved in other peoples if you know what I mean. Especially when it comes to families.
My feeling is if Rob got away and helped his bother for a while on the farm – it would do him allot of good as I think that is really the first start of him getting well. I have not seen him in a long time but I know his mother spoiled him and as well he was thriving in areas that were not really realistic in his life and at the same time he never moved ahead in a career that would give him something in return all his life – in a way he was and is a great musician but in some way before it’s too late he has to get some help and I know that there is only so much I can do as here I have my hands full. So I can just leave the "phone door open to him" and let him decide at his hardest times of when to call or I can make one call to his brother but not being there you don't know all the angles of the situation.
What would you do in a situation as such? I have done this so many times - that over the last year, I have pondered away from it. But yet when you see one that is really in need and I have no shame in stating that I went through my own situation with my family and Cancer but I have learned how to deal with things and right now there is a very great opportunity that has come my way, and it's so ironic that these things come up right at the same time.
Any suggestions?
Wow-that's a tough one, but I am not entirely sure that you can do anything but to be a listening ear. Be sure to set boundaries on the time you spend listening though. Sounds like he's worn everyone else out already. Sometimes you just have to let people fall..............
ReplyDeleteIt's so very hard to deal with situations from a distance. As you stated, not bein there, you dont have all the angles as to what is goin on. You hear bits and pieces from all directions. I can understand not wantin to get involved with family situations as they have a tendency to turn into a mess and some how you get tangled up in it and it comes back to you in a negative manner. I like the idea of leavin the 'phone door open to him' to allow, even invite, him to reach out to you. It seems at this point, again with the distance, all you can do is be there to listen. You can offer advice when solicited from you, offer consolin thoughts as best you can and perhaps if warranted a stern, but lovin nudge when necessary. Over all it's a difficult situation. Perhaps it may be best to deal with it as it unfolds and when you have more information so you have a better idea how to approach it. Wishes of much inner peace and tranquility for Rob ~
ReplyDeleteG’day Jack,
ReplyDeleteWell in for a penny in for a pound, to start off I don’t think you can help other than to listen when he calls, the last thing he needs now it to feel he is alone, the first step has to come from him, he has to want to get past this, not be told it is the way to go. Until he realises that his way of thinking is not making him feel alive, if at all possible it may help if he was to concentrate on what would bring that feeling back rather than what took it away, ( just a way if implanting the thought that a different tact may make him feel better) and for this he must realise that he needs professional help. I do agree with you that a spell working with his brother may give him a break from his gloomy thoughts enough to be receptive to suggestions of this kind….
Will his brother take him in for a while? Women and men process feelings differently, and that being said, maybe his wife is not able to discuss it with him as he needs it discussed. His brother may be able to. Just a thought. Professional help would be ideal, doing the spirit world route with a medium, in my opinion, is not the way to go. This only prolongs him getting past this and accepting what has happened.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a difficult and complicated situation. Being there to listen isn't a bad thing, so long as you set limits and make sure it doesn't wear you out like it sounds like he has done with other family members. IMO, I think it sounds like he could do with a good grief counselor. Hope all turns out well for him.
ReplyDeleteIt;s nice to have someone to talk too. If you are helping steer them in the right direction. I wouldn't let the whine go on and on. It is wearing on a person and no good for the other neither
ReplyDeleteExample. You have a child--they fall down and hurt themselves. You listen, you feel their pain, maybe give them a band-aid if you have it to give, But you don't go on and on about the hurt, It doesn't help them to move on. You want the child to not wallow in its pain (even though it might still hurt for a bit maybe even scar) but in your love you want them to move on and enjoy life.
Same here. You listen, feel for them perhaps gave them what you could--what ever that was. Than it is time they must move, For their own good. It like the child case above your not helping them by going over and over the hurt.
I had a friend who had cancer. At first all she wanted to do was cry. She wasn't living what she had left to live because nice people like us where catering to her emotional fix on crying about it. She had a very good friend, who listened once than cut her off every-time she went back to it. (because emotion fixes feel good --like drinking--but they are not good for you) He wanted her to live her final days not die all of them. What happen ? The rest of us followed suit. We didn't stay if she wanted to wallow. We left. We got busy, She although never got out of bed. Started to move on--Started to relate stories of he life. Kids came and listen to her tell some. Someone taped them and wrote them down. Along with stories she liked. She was fun to visit. And they took pictures gave her a camera. When she was gone --her friend put all those stories in a book with the pictures she took of her and friends having fun right there, He had the book put in print and had it binded with a cover- and gave to her family. Her grandchildren love the book. And their kids will too. I have a copy too. And she lived her final time much happier than if "we "who wanted to be so helpful just let her whine on.
It reminds me also to force people to move on and not whine too much. It doesn't help them. Even though they like the feeling.
Even if one was to lose all. Our job is not to let them whine but to make them move on as quick as possible. To go on living as hard as that may be.
Sometimes not helping them is helping them.
Listen once well, do what you can -than it is time to move on. and hopefully they will too. .
It is wearing on the hearts either way. But don't let it drain either of you with your kindness, I hope all goes well for all of you . Best wishes
He has to be steered in the way of a grief counselor... They are trained for him. He will wear you down, and drain you... and anyone he comes in contact with... be careful of your compassion this time my friend..((Hugs)).. Namaste'..Peeks...
ReplyDeleteHe has....and I think that his wife has had it, the mother had passed away but prior too it she had requested to see them get married - I don't think that was right as she was trying to find a "keeper" for Rob. Thank you for your advice.
ReplyDeleteYes and I believe I am going to just stand from a distance, I have seen one pandoras box open in the past so I think I will just leave it to him to call and really not get involved - but if he does call listen but he can call before 12am. I don't know all the details all I know is his speech was slurred and Delvin says he is not drinking so either he is so depressed that he is ............it's called psychosis....or he is just plain half drunk which does not resolve it. So before 12, and we shall leave it at that. Good morning by the way as it's rather cool and just sipping on a coffee as I watched the debates and then went to bed. "Early to bed and early to rise makes for a person that is doing too much and not getting wiser" :) Gotcha
ReplyDeleteExactly and read my mind! Implanting things is what I thought would be best. He is a great country musician and I asked him why he did place these thoughts of expressions down on paper. Then he came back and said that he only did once and made a disc and sent it too my mother. He had called my mother and in the same manner with slurred speech said too her as she was much like my aunt "Why are all you angels leaving me". That freak my mom out to say the least as I think you know where and what I mean with where he is at and it's beyond the norm now. So due to Mom, that is why I made the call. I thought he would call back in a normal emotional manner but it's obvious he is drinking or in a what is called a depressive psychosis.
ReplyDeleteI dont know. And I know that his older sister whom ironically is a marriage councellor has worked to his disadvantage or - he is stubborn and won't take the advice. She has wanted him too see a psychiatrist but he won't he tried a therapist and it seem's he thought he knew more than the therapist. So all I know is that his brother was gracious of me calling and I think after this week. I will call the brother and have a one to one call but first I will call back home to my folks and see if my mother has had any calls thereafter. Gosh I sound like Morgan Freeman - just kidding. And I am not taking this too serious as I can't afford to I have worked hard to get to this point and now I am going from "B to C". The Medium thing indicates that he is fixated on his mother as well as he says he talks to her I am not kidding. So I know that he needs some medical help big time - it's different if he was having this the first two months after her passing but this is 1.5 years after. I think you know what I mean....
ReplyDeleteAs this morning with a coffee and while I go through this Norma I am actually coming to my own consensus and I think it's talking to his brother this weekend and telling him there is a need for intervention. Delvin respects me as much as I do him. I am not sure if you remember he is the one that breeds Clydesdale Horses.
ReplyDeleteI have a father that will be passing away in a short enough time now. As he can't receive any more treatments - I saw him two months ago and I am sure I talked about it but we both found closure as strange as that seems and I am sure I will be upset for little when he passes on but I have come to accept it and he is at peace with it and I am with peace with it.
ReplyDeleteRob was very pampered by his mother. When he married his wife he told her "my mother will come first, I just wish you to know that" he had mentioned this on the phone so I know where that stands as well and I am surprised that she is still around she works in a bank and is a very nice gal, and I am sure this is all getting to her now, and he indicated that she has turned on him.
The only way I can see this working out and him not going over the deep end or deeper.....it's calling is brother and then washing my hands from it. And hoping that I will get a call a few months later with a "thank you"....coming to more of a conclusion...Thanks Had!
He went and he never went back.....it's time for intervention if his brother will do it.
ReplyDeleteOne of two things I can do, talk to Delvin and set up what I am doing in the next call with Delvin and thereafter talk Rob into getting some help in a different manner than how some others have approached him and then leave it at that and do it without offending him.
Thank you all today is a day for me a very special one and I headed off to be believe it or not at 9pm. So I really thank you as this just came my way and I don't mind it, but I just was trying to look at the logical way to work with or leave alone this and just do my own thing. I don't like it when someone is in despair. Yet I don't think I am the answer - but now and then something comes your way and you have a choice get involved in a minuet way or to not get involved whatsoever.
ReplyDeleteThere is not much to add to what has already been said. There is good advice in all the messages. I agree that you should set limits on the length of the calls and their frequency. Steering him in the direction of a grief counselor is the thing to do.
ReplyDeleteTry to get his siblings or his wife to help him and if they won't there is not much else you can do from a distance. Be very careful not to let him drain you and avoid becoming too involved. There are people who, despite all the best intentions in the world, cannot be helped.
I am so sorry your Cousin is in such a depressed state Jack, & I feel for you too, because it is so hard to know just what to do to help him- I too feel that he needs more help than you can give him Jack, he needs professional counseling by the sound of it.But most people in deep depression have to be led into that kind of help very slowly & gently & most seem to fight hard against it. There is no way anyone else can tell you what is the best thing to do, because everyone sees this kind of thing so differently& cannot put themselves in your place to know how you feel. I agree with others that to be there to listen to him can be about all that you can do Jack ( with some kind of time limit on that too ).As ninakobie said -- some people just cannot BE helped -- None of this is of your making my friend, so please be kind to yourself & do not harbor any feelings of guilt for not being able to do more- Bless you XX
ReplyDeleteBelieve it or not, I have been a counselor to many people Lise. Till I thought and went my own direction, I had people in oncology asking to see me. I am not kidding. But all through this I came to see what a psychologist's burn out can be.
ReplyDeleteI have made my mind up with this and I know where to place it as when I first came back to Canada from America none of my cousin's realized what it was like. Not one called. Not one...With exception to two aunts on my father side rather than my father's side - kind of tells you what is and what is not.
So I have come to my own conclusion as I have learned to live from the hardest of hard on my own two feet and effectively today I have been giving and contract with one of the largest companies in United States and Canada - and I start my work at the international Airport on Tuesday - that is what is within the day. It does not matter what you do - all that matters is structure within life and not so much contemplation (in real life) as my cousin is doing...
He is in a depressive leaning towards psychotic state.
ReplyDeleteI have not been on as I have had a very busy week. That ended up being one that has rewarded me. All I know is Rob never picked up his guitar and maybe that is the start of it along with realized that his mother is gone now and he has money from the division from his brother's and sisters. Now it's time to maintain his wife and the love that she has given him. Or continue this way. You can lead a horse to water but never make him drink....
After a day I desensitize....and I am on with my own thing the only things that are pinnacle to me are my parents. Nothing more nothing less and without being arrogant - me. Yes me.
I am very happy to hear you are getting on with your life Jack. I believe that is the right thing to do & was hoping you would go that way, but could not advise you to do that. There is no real hands on help that you can give Rob anyway & you are right- your parents are your first priority.( you are certainly not arrogant by doing so). Also you have your reward to concentrate on now as well. Well done . Hugs xx
ReplyDeleteGot the job within the government today and I can't say what it is but I can say that I work within the arena or airports as I was doing......
ReplyDeleteI'm happy for you. Great.
ReplyDelete