Yesterday I wrote on my mother and more than likely she will be calling me tonight. As well, I have spoke about my father and I found that during the afternoon, I just felt down. The reason is that I am not near them and I truly do miss being around them.
My father does not have much time left within his life, and the situations that all took place sometimes hit me. They concern me and in some ways I wish I was closer to them. Today was the one day that I just said that I am taking my own time to myself.
I am not looking for pity but I am really working hard, and weekends just are not long enough. I like some of you am human and I always try to keep preoccupied, as I know that something could happen and I am here living in a different city.
I know that tomorrow will be a new day, but there are times that things with my family do hit me. And there is nothing I can do. The only thing I can do - is with regards to myself which I am in more ways than I have ever write about at times. So I accept, I accept what comes and I try not to over think things - but it's not exactly easy. Perhaps it's the time of year right now and the adjustment here to the weather, or maybe it's just me.
But in a delayed manner I refected on my folks and when I talk to them it feels like I am overseas and there is not one thing I can do about that. You honor you folks as you love them and when you know that they have been challenged, and there will be more to come. It sometimes leaves you feeling with some dispair.
Everyone is different when it comes to this I know. For myself it's something that comes and goes as I always thought that there would be more time. More time yeah. So for me, there is more time but I don't know that many that live life while knowing that there will be a time that comes sooner than later with my father.
Challenges I guess this is. Sometimes you wish you could turn the clock back, but the actual fact is that all you can do is accept and keep a positive outlook. As well a routine wishin work does keep your mind off these areas.
I know what I want in life, but at the same time I do know that I wished to be able to share what I achieved with the people that brought me into this life and possibly in time a new partner. But for now this is how it is, and I accept it. And I think forward and sometimes I just give allowance to what is right within the day - rather than thinking too far ahead.
We all have our times to which we always blame ourselves for what has happened in the past and what is happening now. I was so far away from my mother when she was living ..a flight home was 4 hours and I still sometimes beat myself up for being so far away..but this is where my hubby's job is at this time..I was not there when she died..she died 2 days before I was actually was to go home and stay until I when neccesary..but I still sometimes blame myself for not being there and I think..maybe I should have paid the difference and flew home earlier..but everyone told me and she told me herself before she died that she didnt want me to see her like she was..the cancer had taken over her body..and to be honest..I dont think I could have taken it..
ReplyDeleteI know you have your life in your city that you have settle down with but have you considered moving closer to your parents so you can see them often? Sometimes we dont always want to do what we need to do..but we do get just one set of parents here on this earth. No matter how much you work and get caught up in life..you will always think about your parents and worry about them..I say hold on to them as long as you can and love them..and make the time to go and see them even if it's only for the day...Keep the faith! Only you can change what's in your life and somtimes change is good!
Great post
Thank you Cyn, I don't blame myself....I just find that I time is passing and my father may very well be gone. And I know that it's regarding change. I am just writing what I feel as now and then it does impact upon me.
ReplyDeleteAcceptance and some faith go a long way. Yeah...
I have not considered that, for good reasons which I wish not to discuss it has nothing to do with myself nor my parents.
Hope you'll accept a BIG ((((((HUG)))))) accross the miles ... Namaste' my friend
ReplyDeleteG’day Jack,
ReplyDeleteWould appear the aftermath of your phone chat has lead you down a path of thoughts where the past & the future are going to differ. The past has had both negative & positive events all of which are part of your family history now with no alteration or amendments possible, the future on the other hand is a different unexplored track, and while you will have choices to make as usual, there are some events that are as inevitable as day following night, being aware gives you the added advantage of being able to say, and in many ways continue to do all the important things that are vital for your well being now and later. No you are not there with them physically , but emotionally you are & that is a lot more than other families have. …Huggs my friend
It's strange the hold our past has on us, and the influence it has on our future. But there's one thing I've learned, and that is that the future throws up opportunities we would hardly believe. The trick is when they arrive to grab them and not allow past defeats and sorrows to prevent us from doing so.
ReplyDeleteAnticipatory grieving is a natural thing when we are faced with a life change, whether it is the death of a family member, loss of a relationship or move to a new place. Your parents know you have a lot of love and concern for them, sometimes it is better for our own mental health to not be in close physical contact. This doesn't decrease the concern, it just helps us preserve a part of ourselves so we can move on when the time comes. It also gives us a reserve of mental energy to deal with what needs to be done when the time comes. I went through this in June 2007 with my dad, so I understand the mental conflict a bit. Take care of you. Hugs--------Lyn
ReplyDelete" Se ipsum vincere puherrima res est"... very sententious latin proverb..
ReplyDeleteYeah last night I was feeling that way - it often does happen to some extent on a Sunday. You just think about everything and then you do ponder on some things and ask "why". But I just flow with things and I pick my self up and out of it....there is no use in holding onto it - it's not going to resolve anything. Thank you Peeks.
ReplyDeleteYeah it did as during the weekends and with the cold and now with this new position, there is only so much time from which to do things. And with all that said I think that I just was a tad down and out on things and I was thinking of all this stuff and I just let it go. Yes it is a part of my history, and the new exploration is a very different track.
ReplyDeleteThank you I feel fine today, and this is a comfortable time for one day - tomorrow is Remembrance Day, and I think that had something to do with it. But most of all it was just me, and working around the forthcoming winter does bring about certain thoughts at certain times. But I manage it. Thank you Wendy. I am as you know or have made a large amendment to my life and sometimes the adjustment can really throw you off.
I truly believe and exercise this. And I do know that there will be some good things coming, in all honesty this new position - has had some politics that have gone along with it. They were resolved last week and I was not sure how well they would be today as we had what is called a "skeleton staff" working and one person whom I had some problems with and was appointed a new trainer - was off and is off till Wed. So I did not expect that I would have a situation as such - and it did worry me as to what would come about from it all. That coupled with the other stuff created a situation where I really was concerned with many things. So today went well. And I guess that is all I can say, that you Nigel.
ReplyDeleteYes the old anticipatory thing came out. But in working and doing something it keeps your mind off things. So today was a good day and tomorrow my friend is dropping by as he is staying at his girlfriends while she is in Argentina on vacation. So we will go out and do something.
ReplyDeleteI remember you saying this Lyn. And it takes time to really place things in there place. It's not summer anymore and I love the outdoors and I do have trouble in taking the cold I have a mild case of arthritis that comes out within my knees. So right now since my legs were not injected with what they were in Saskatoon, I am taking Vitamin D and C. I think many things hit me all at once here I was not that upset I was just down on things and pondering the meaning of it all.
One works - gets home - goes back to work. And I want to save now for a rainy day and have it where I do obtain some of the things I wish to do. So it all will come. The busier I am the best I feel, when there is nothing to do, and it's the same old same old, I find that I will dwell. Structure within life regardless of what it may be, brings about things that takes your mind off certain areas. Meaning the past, and working within the current and planning for the future.
Thank you, I don't feel any shame in writing what I wrote. As I am sure and certain that everyone has had sometime in there life that things went a certain direction. It's how we all in our own ways handle it. Thank you for your thoughts.
As long as you tell the folks you love them and appreciate all they did for you, you have done your best.
ReplyDeleteMy family never has gvien me credit for any of my jobs that I thought were cool.
You have to be proud of yourself, family can be myopic.
Thank you Cath.
ReplyDelete