Afternoon Ramble & Cathardic

I find that today is one that is a transition. I did a few things which included taking out the garbage and wow the just the simplest things seemingly are rather hard. I know that this is a time from which I must just let go. It's not all that easy but you do it. I called and and was setting up things for next week and that as well is not all that easy. Just for the record I didn't fall into a depression Nor am I know - however to be contained and especially this time of the year I will say you have to keep your spirits up. Dynamics of family. I don't even wish to go there right now. I have avoided many things in the past and perhaps this is something that is a benchmark within my life. Yes this is a cathartic time for me and I never expected all of this to happen but in some manner I do have to think outside of the box.

Certainly it's embarrassing yet at the same time I find that either I can live within my own accord and just realize that there will be a time to look back at all of this. While I was doing so much for family in some manner I fell short of tending to my own needs. I can't drive right now my coordination is slightly off and that all goes with the territory. I could but I have been told to stay away from that right now and I know that it's the best thing. But I shall sooner that I probably expect, as well I hope that I can get my confidence up to call some of my friends that have called. Yet there is that ego that is involved. Family - seemingly every family has some element of dysfunctional with it and this too is not within the game. So I am hopeful that things slowly groom up and I know that is only up to myself.

There is that pity pot that we all do have but then there is another manner of looking at it. As the way that I feel is that either you can allow all your emotions take place but at the same time make sure that you are balancing out. So most everything for today has been accomplished and as simple as it may sound you have to push yourself in a manner that is with a cadence - so this is why I see it as a juggling act.

I look at where I was just a while ago and then I look back at where I was just two years ago and I do believe that there is a means in which I can get through this yet there are some that will understand and there are those that have been within my life which wont. So it's an adjustment, I guess it's many things however I guess it's like tearing down a building and then building it back up. On can say why me,as it's the nature that we all have with ego, but I find that I have to let this go and get slowly get on with things. I did make several mistakes within the past year. That I certainly admit, and I guess within my life I have always place myself second as I am coming to realize with many friends that some only wished to be with me during the great times. And during trying times seemingly they disappear so I just accept it. Where can it go? I hope that it can go upwards and I have already planned out my own goals which must be practical. As I am not chasing after unrealistic dreams, nor running away from anything.

The one thing I do know is that I can. And perhaps al thought this was not planned with being in the hospital and the situation I am facing now, I am happy that I am alive as well I know that I shall achieve the goals set out and there is no turning back.

And I shall