I didn't realize to what extent that I would have to tend to things with my father. The last time I saw this Nephrologist was some time ago. I was taken in with him and she is rather nice. Seemingly he is getting lost within the system that he has relied on. When I arrived home I was truly tired the last place that I wished to be was in a hospital coupled with trying to explain everything as I had gone through all his medical matters. He can be a very stubborn man but most at that age are. She the doctor was attune to this and although I had not seen her in years. She recalled me and started to ask me questions, this is where he usually gets very ticked off as I guess he wants that control over things of his own. But she could pick up on this and then knew how to handle it. So after all was done as she said that she would like to ask both of us some questions - it kind of gave way so that I was not sitting there within her office and to be frank - this is the time in which I had promised myself that I was not going to get all involved within family matters.
So fortunately for me I was asked the necessary questions on his health and all the doctors he is seeing - which was probably not to his liking. But then after I was done I excused myself and wished here a the best within the season. So I am not sure if there is a motto within the story. But by the time I got home, I pulled out some decorations and left them for tomorrow and then took a rest which lead into a two hour sleep which is fine with me.
Parents can be at there best and then sometimes they can feel be so adamant, however his kidneys are fine and some matters which have been left to go. She indicated to me that she would make sure that she emails and calls to ensure that he is not out of the system.
So it was tending to things that are easier with others sometimes and harder with those that are close to you. I thought he might wish to head for lunch but he really didn't want to do anything. I think his pride may have been effected but it made for a tedious day. But that is the way it goes and sometimes he is on the up and up and then there are things that do make him worried - he would never indicated it but it comes out in the end in some manner and within some way. I am not one to post that many private pictures these days or perhaps it was just the mood within the matter.
Yet when I excused myself, I did go and see a few that I know within this hospital called St. Pauls and thereafter I looked at the time and then thought I would get a few shots in. And most of which were just taken of some of the renovated areas as this is one of the oldest hospitals which specializes within a few areas one of which is Urology, Ambulatory Care, and it's the smallest hospital and back within the 90's it came into being part of the entire ensemble of the cities health region as prior to that it was ran independently.
When I was 13 my mothers kidneys failed. She had to go on hemodialysis but the nearest hospital with that was over an hour away. She would have to go there 3 days a week for 5 hours at a time and she was exhausted when the treatment was over. The alernative was for someone in the family to become certified as a hemodialysis technician and pass the state exams. My father couldn't do it and work, my brother was in the Marines and out of the country. I was told I was too young. So I proved them wrong. Just after turning 14 I became the youngest licensed hemodialysis technician in the country. I went to school and came home and put my mother on dialysis. I wasn't just the person answering questions. I was sticking her with 17 gage needles and connecting her to bloodlines and an artificial kidney to keep her alive. I took her pulse and blood pressure. Dealt with cramps and her blood pressure dropping. I know what it means to take care of a family member.
ReplyDeletesometimes amigo---we know that we are aging and that we have to give things over to our children-----but when we are competent and we are in control we feel useful----the worst any one can do is talk about another in the third person---even when competency begins to fail always include someone---you showed great respect by leaving the room---and maybe your father wanted to say thank you but didn't quite know how---so i will say it---thank you
ReplyDeleteWOW, Jade, just WOW, I am really impressed. HOpe you see this.
ReplyDeleteMany times, elderly parents become cranky and obstinate because they're actually scared about growing old, or having to deal with something that they really don't understand. They feel that they're losing control. They DO become resentful when everyone, including their own adult children, treat them like they've lost their ability to make wise choices and logical decisions. I have always found in dealing with my own father, that honesty and communication is really important. You need to respectfully talk to your father and tell him that you will be glad to accompany him to these appointments, but that you need to know exactly how involved HE wants you to be regarding shared information and decisions. If the doctor, during the interview, continually directs their questions and comments to YOU, then it's important to make sure that your father is included....you could say, "We'll have to ask Dad about that..." or "What do you think, Dad?"....something like that. Let him know that it's important that HE make as many decisions as he's able, but also to know that if things get too confusing or too much for him, you'll be glad to help. I think, in your case, you, yourself are in the process of healing, which is a full time job, in itself! It's all part of each of our life experiences.
ReplyDeleteYes I did and ever since I came out of the hospital I do that respect within family. I just tend to look the other way as members of families are great but at that same time I know that I am adamant in doing what I enjoy, as well as taking care of my own needs. Mind you family can call and there is that thing in which you have that obligatory effect.
ReplyDeleteHow one will at times will have have that sense of self and all I know is that after my mishap within the hospital there is this very thing called self. And I have done things many times within not only my father but within my family and by way of my choice at this period of time - I know that the greatest benefit is within doing things that I heal. Some would think that is selfish. However I find that the where my options are are within being productive balancing my life and when it comes down to health matters I have made tremendous strides and there are a few friends that have seen when I have wrote on areas such as person as this ....it's a matter or rendering your own.
I am not a child no longer and nor am I one that is a care giver, to do things now and then are good. Mind you I am embarking on my own life after a slight mini stroke and I do wish to go forward and not have the negative aspects. I would much rather do what I have been doing as so often within the dynamics of some families there are the good points. But at this time within my life. I would much prefer and am adamant to get on with my own life as there are so many friends of his that seemingly call all the time but they are all too used to my being the cure all.
So for me right now I am within my own walk and everyone has that right have that sense of self without some matters. Thus I choose to go forward or I choose to spend a good portion of my time tending to family matters. So I let it go and I get on with other things as life is precious as myself have recently found within my own health matters.
Day by day I never know what may happen with my parent's especially my Dad& though Mom could use the extra help with him she has a difficult time accepting it, she has her own way of doing things . I think it feels to her that her privacy is somehow invaded . She has so much happening though with taking care of my Grandma's affairs financially (Gram is 97) and other things going on with aging siblings. My brother & sister deal with things that I have the cushion of distance from. There are some emotional times which I am sure you also have there. My thoughts are with you it's hard when the roles reverse and parents need help yet are reluctant. I think you seem to be doing well with how you are handling it. Hang in there and get well too. Enjoy the simple moments when you are able to be light hearted with your folks and take care of you too.
ReplyDeleteYes very much so Sous. There is a resentment that does come out at times. I knew today that things were going backwards with him. As mentioned before I honor my folks but I don't believe in living my life as mentioned up above and I am in the process of my own healing which is a mandate that I have set for myself. So I don't think in any means am I neglecting them. What I am doing is carrying out my own life stream. When one encounters there own situations they can either juggle everything and never go forward or they can know what is best. He is a man that is used to having much control through his life and here he thought he was on his final end and had announced it too the all within the family and then it was obvious that he was so far off as he is not in that situation and he is within the system. But then he places it all on his wife my mother. She has not been well for sometime. And for nearly ten years he has had the best of best treatment within the hospitals as well as by way of family. So he does have that self manner at his age. Whereas for myself, I am not going backwards I have literally done so much within the last month and working along with all that I have which is good. I am not going backwards. So often I was too glad to help all of them with anything they required medically - as for now. I have my own progress to do. So what I have come to find is that the best thing for myself is to just maintain my schedule and take things to the next level. It's not due to being angry with my father I just am the one within my family that knows him all too well by way of experience.
ReplyDeleteIt does come out in the wash as I know when to leave it all be, and at certain time to assist.
I have found when something like this happens people rise to the ability. When it is something that has to be done you just do it and think about it later. I knew my mother lived or died if I made a mistake. I held my mothers life in my hands and had to grow up fast but this defined me and made me who I am today.
ReplyDeleteJack you have to distance yourself enough that it doesn't affect your health. It's hard though. Really hard!
ReplyDeleteCheryl, my mother is not well and has not been for some time. And she seemingly comes second within all of this and that rather does bother me at times. She will call me at times and mention things but here too, she knows that I do have my own life to full fill and everything has been going very well. So this has been a repetitive situation and one can get too involved in it I believe. This part and parcel lead to my mini stroke yet I have never said this to anyone except a few close friends here in town and I am not going to go backwards with all of this as like your sister back in Michigan if my memory serves me correctly she goes through much with it all. At this stage of the game, I am not going to jump back into family dynamics. As there are countless friends of theres that do call me and have recently indicated the same as they feel that the best thing is to just go about my own life and get on with things - in which I am.
ReplyDeleteYou know as well as I, that I have other siblings two of which that live in other cities. I live within the same city but the obligatory effect is not part of my entire regime no longer. Mind you I respect them, and there are good times that we share. Then there are a host of friends that are very close to them and all it takes is a request with some of these matters now. I by choice wish to carry on within my own life as my other sister and brothers.
The more you give the more is asked and I can't afford that right now, what I can afford is within tending to my agenda as set out. As I am.
Not really Sharon...it's normal to have a distance and yet have a respect. Hence I am.
ReplyDeletethat's a saying my grandma always said......it all comes out in the wash! she was very wise.
ReplyDeletewow, Jack you have been through a lot. I remember this time last year you had just been in an auto accident as well! Glad that you are doing better and tending to your own health, which you must do. I myself just had major surgery and cannot believe how weak I am right now, but I will get my strength back in time......I just want it in a hurry!
ReplyDeleteWhen my Dad became very ill in 2009, I became both of my parent's MPA (Medical Power of Attorney). When Dad was well enough following his initial illness, we sat down with hospital staff and discussed his on-going health issues, prognosis, treatment and home care. Part of this process (Respecting Patient Choices) Dad spoke about what HE wanted and that information is now included on his health file. I got to every medical appointment my Dad has which averages 4 or 5 each month. While I tend to sit back and let Dad and his treating doctor do all the talking, I DO answer questions on Dad's behalf when Dad struggles with answers, and it me his doctors and the hospital contact if need be.
ReplyDeleteThis is a truly rotten time of life, when parents almost become the children, and nobody ever warns us early of what may be ahead. Usually, decisions are made when the proverbial hits the fan when they should be made well before. And sadly, it is not unusual for only one child in a family to step up when needed. I have an older brother and an older sister who left it all to me which meant giving up work and a complete change of lifestyle. I DO NOT, in any way, regret doing what I do, and as Jade has said above, you just do it. I know that when my parents pass I can sleep at night knowing the wonderful relationship I shared with my parents and that it meant the world for them to have me as a daughter. They tell me that almost every day.
It's a tough job, a bloody tough job, but I wouldn't swap it for the world.
{{hugs}} nurture yourself Jack.
ReplyDeleteAll has been said.
ReplyDeleteTaking care and giving love and affection towards family is great. I've done that too to my grandma. But in-between those ... let us not forget that we have our own life and health too to think about. And set some priorities also. I pray your dad will continue reciprocating to all his medicines and that his body immune system reacts in a positive level. I saw how you took cared of your loved ones by way of photos ... and that is a great job. Being with them in times liked those were good enough but being with them all throughout the ordeal is another.
tight hugs Jack.
Hi Michelle - I am and I am going to go and do my own thing and then take a walk - thereafter most likely be back onto night.
ReplyDeleteI must say that there are some problems so it seems with my desktop and if I am not on tonight - it's because am either
fixing my computer systems or.......if this someone has the time I am heading out to this Festival of Lights this evening.
Parrie it always does, if you just learn to not get too involved within this case and not wash every ones
ReplyDeletebut wash your own. Especially dirty laundry ------------ gotcha! :)
we are all here to take care of one another and it's wonderful you can still be there for your dad. and i hope that you are allowing others to reach out to you in your times of need. :) i can't imagine getting to the point where after your whole life of being strong and able to take care of yourself, that you have to rely on your child to answer questions in your behalf. i'm glad the dr. wised up and started asking your father as well. prayers for you and dad. hope you are enjoying this holiday season amoungst all the dr. trips! hugs...
ReplyDeleteI only had my mom to take care of, a nine year stint there, but would do it again, she was my best friend.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteMy mom became very difficult in her last 10yrs of her life, she used to create difficulties and shout and get stressed, she had lived on her own for more than thenty five yrs and nursed my younger brother with a brain tumour , how awful was that, her son was given a short time to live, those things i think helped to fuel her manner and her general mental condition. Parents can be cranky but thats life .x
.dads can ,be stubborn ..you can only do your best [hugs]]
ReplyDeleteJust arrive home here and it's rather late so shall catch up with this later - but was a great evening. :)
ReplyDelete