I just literally had my own revelation if that is what you call it. One of a sort that leaves me thinking and yet I just went outside and I have come back in. I really don’t wish to mention it but I do believe that there is a good meaning within the past and the present. Life is a journey some and I have been so cautious in many ways in the past year within this stride of mine that seemingly I can see with much better clarity. I am sure there are some that have areas of there life that they wish never would happen yet then there is that time that I feel that you have to get on with it. I am in that mode of going forward and yet what brings us to where we are today are a host of things that have shaped us. We have a conscious mind and as well we have the subconscious. I saw someone that I have never seen in years. And I looked a few times and it may sound rather different but in seeing this person which I have not in so many years. I feel that I have closure. This is so hard to explain. Have you ever felt that there was that area within your life that you left uncompleted? Perhaps within my mind I have. I have been literally so busy with so many areas since returning to Canada. That there was a time where something, or someone was always on my mind. Perhaps it wasn’t a complete closure, but literally one this evening I feel very good. Now I don’t know what one would call that – perhaps my subconscious or a part of it was negating some elements but I cannot express in words how I feel this very moment. I literally feel that I have obtained a complete closure, or I feel complete. Quite possibly the reaction is a measurement of where one is at. And this literally did happen just a while ago and it truly is so hard to explain within writing. I kid you not I feel complete as of this very night. Now is that a revelation or what? I don’t know but what I do know is that I certainly feel very complete with myself. Some of us have been through a divorce and some have worked it all out. But all on the surface and sometimes deep within there needs to be that final closure to make things complete. I know there is this song, “I can see clearly now” but this is not just an ordinary evening this was something which at first took me by surprise and then ironically if it makes any sense at all I do feel very complete. How long that took – I am not sure but I am certain of this is that there is something that has come over me this evening within a good way. A way that I never thought I would find within my own inner self that entire completeness. It’s really as simple as that. For some reason things are coming into alignment within my personal life.
And here all along I thought that I was on the right trail for the most part I know I have been but there was that small area that was left unattended too. And is this a coincidence? I think that is for myself to set, but regardless of how small or how large there is a part of my inner self that literally is complete. I have been working on certain areas of my life of recent and all literally is going very well. And with this certain areas that literally just happened it seems to me that it's all within apart of the things that I have been working on within the last two weeks. Some never get over a loss and some do, I had but as of tonight with some time to write this is not fabricated this literally was something that happened and I can honestly say that I feel more whole. I don't write often or ever within this manner but I guess there still are good defining moments within life. I don't guess actually I think one knows when it comes unexpectedly or not. I can't begin to say how I feel as I feel like some sort of weight has been taken off my shoulders, and within my own inner being, and it onwards I go with these days as they have been going so well, and perhaps there is a meaning to everything even when least expected.
Yeah.
I think that there's "value" in everything that happens.(Different than "meaning," you know?) It's interesting that this happened to you, as it recently happened to me, but not in exactly the same way. Or...maybe it was? A young man & his family lived in the condo above me in late 2004 & 2005. I had a PE in 2004, & then a few other things that significantly disabled me, although not totally. I met him at the carport where he parked next to me. I knew at once that he was special. I can't express how special he was. He knew what I needed before I did, he stayed with me at ER for over seven hours one night, he called me upstairs where I could see the eclipse of the moon, helped me get my new PC, had a great sense of humour & most of all...was sensitive to me, even when I'd say "no," because I'm so independent! (Ha.) There was such a connection...not long after I met him, I said, "Please don't tell me you're an Aries!" (All the Aries men in my life had tragic endings.) He was. Late 2005, he came down & gently said, "I have to tell you something, I'm leaving, & I don't want to leave you."
ReplyDeleteThis was in no way a romantic relationship. Under circumstances beyond his control, they moved during the night. Shortly after, I received a letter from him with no return address. He wrote about things he'd never told me. I was sad. There was no way to know where he was, except "perhaps" a teen aged girl who played with his daughter. (Or is that "hung out?") She was a cutter, she told me bizarre things about hearing his children had died in an auto accident, he had cancer, & so on. She said there was incest with her stepfather...proved not to be true. I couldn't believe a word she said, & I couldn't help her.
For five years, way in the back of my mind...but in my conscious mind...I wondered. He was my ANGEL as no one had ever, ever been before. I never obsessed about it, but he was part of an experience I'd never forget.
He called me a little over a week ago. I was in a pleasant state of shock. I suppose, because I never believed I'd hear from him again. This may not sound at all profound to anyone but me. That's alright. He may come back to California. What then? I keep asking myself, what role has he played, or might again in my life?
I think of Zorba the Greek, when he said to the Brit..."You think too much."
Can one think too much? Can one feel too much? No. Whatever we feel or think is us. I have deep feelings, & I'm introspective. I gain insight every day & never skim over anything, or consider it superfluous.
I'm glad you wrote about this, but suspect my response will be longer than your blog!
I think that there's "value" in everything that happens.(Different than "meaning," you know?) It's interesting that this happened to you, as it recently happened to me, but not in exactly the same way. Or...maybe it was? A young man & his family lived in the condo above me in late 2004 & 2005. I had a PE in 2004, & then a few other things that significantly disabled me, although not totally. I met him at the carport where he parked next to me. I knew at once that he was special. I can't express how special he was. He knew what I needed before I did, he stayed with me at ER for over seven hours one night, he called me upstairs where I could see the eclipse of the moon, helped me get my new PC, had a great sense of humour & most of all...was sensitive to me, even when I'd say "no," because I'm so independent! (Ha.) There was such a connection...not long after I met him, I said, "Please don't tell me you're an Aries!" (All the Aries men in my life had tragic endings.) He was. Late 2005, he came down & gently said, "I have to tell you something, I'm leaving, & I don't want to leave you."
ReplyDeleteThis was in no way a romantic relationship. Under circumstances beyond his control, they moved during the night. Shortly after, I received a letter from him with no return address. He wrote about things he'd never told me. I was sad. There was no way to know where he was, except "perhaps" a teen aged girl who played with his daughter. (Or is that "hung out?") She was a cutter, she told me bizarre things about hearing his children had died in an auto accident, he had cancer, & so on. She said there was incest with her stepfather...proved not to be true. I couldn't believe a word she said, & I couldn't help her.
For five years, way in the back of my mind...but in my conscious mind...I wondered. He was my ANGEL as no one had ever, ever been before. I never obsessed about it, but he was part of an experience I'd never forget.
He called me a little over a week ago. I was in a pleasant state of shock. I suppose, because I never believed I'd hear from him again. This may not sound at all profound to anyone but me. That's alright. He may come back to California. What then? I keep asking myself, what role has he played, or might again in my life?
I think of Zorba the Greek, when he said to the Brit..."You think too much."
Can one think too much? Can one feel too much? No. Whatever we feel or think is us. I have deep feelings, & I'm introspective. I gain insight every day & never skim over anything, or consider it superfluous.
I'm glad you wrote about this, but suspect my response will be longer than your blog!
The "delete" is mine. It posted twice.
ReplyDeleteSome element of forgiveness perhaps.
ReplyDeleteI think its about acceptance of who and where we are ... suddenly we stop the unconcious mind and start feeling our thoughts. It sounds as though you are flowing with your rhythm and allowing your soul to speak .... the soul is so much stronger than the heart and mind .... and sometimes we forget to listen ... consumed within ourselves .... we are always who we are .... sure circumstances change the air around us .... and we need to remember to continue with the natural flow of being ... if that makes sense ~smile~ .....
ReplyDeleteOur past makes us who we are today and sometimes we fight against the natural flow of that tide .... rather than allowing it to become a part of us .....
.I think Peace comes from ..within..we have to work .on it ..
ReplyDeleteNo problem, I just wish to read and then get back later and write back. (I mean I don't just write on my own blog)....sipping a coffee here.
ReplyDeleteMore so a realization I forgave and thought I forgot completely yet, I guess this was something that truly did come about. I wrote it so fast last night that it was not my typical style of writing. C'est la vie.
ReplyDeleteI am very glad I wrote about it. This was about my former wife that lives in New York. For some reason and I think it's just coincidence something happened that was good. As I felt good after as I have never seen or heard her before in nearly ten years. Basically, I did not know what she was doing - if she was alright? And so on. And I thought I had complete closure yet (keeping this rather private). I know now how she is doing I don't hate her, I don't love her. I don't wish to have any continued connections. What I feel is a finality of closure and I am certainly very glad of that. So it's ironic yet if there was that little bit of recall or thoughts within my subconscious now they are resolved and answered. Even if this didn't happen, I am not the person of yesterday, I am living within the now. And I am very content especially during these last two weeks - especially this week as I am seeing progress in a variety of areas and good possibility thinking has returned. One can feel too much....it all depends if there is a rate of return within what the feeling is for. In my own opinion. One does not throw all the eggs in one basket, always keep a few...
ReplyDeleteDifferent strokes for different folks I am glad I had no children - that I do wish to say. I could not be a partial parent. That would be something that I don't think I could ever find closure with. But that is my essence and what is now is really within the now. I thought it was 100%, but there were a few elements still, but now there is closure complete.
Lynne so true. We all do have elements that makes up whom we are the most intelligent or wise person does. Yet this was acceptance within a very positive manner. Something that I have held for a long time. Perhaps two years, and then I let it go. Or I thought I did entirely and I think this is all within the process of what I am doing right now. Our past does shape us so true, yet our aspirations round out our scope as well. This all does make complete sense. So it's really as basic as that, or one can choose to make it more complicated, I love simplicity yet within the simple there is some complications within life. As that is what life is you take it all within stride. If you don't.....who knows what will happen. I think so many people look for answers and they are right there, just waiting to be picked up and realized. I had done within this area, but there WAS a large story with regards to this that goes far past just a marriage. Yet one gets over it. I don't like to write too much on my own personal areas of life. Some things a person keeps to only a few friends as well as I can honestly say that last night was a pivital moment for me which was very unexpected. But I am glad it happened.
ReplyDeleteCaroline with this it's a decade ago nearly and I had. The first year back in Canada I felt like I was went from living on another planet as I never had any communications when my wife had planned on flying out here. I had the first cancer of my father taking place and he was in a comma and I was appointed next of kin. And with two things all happening at the same time I really held it together. Literally I have been asked to write a book as there is more to this that just a love and marriage gone wrong. But you know what. There is no need. I truly am content. Well, actually I am more than content but for reasons I don't wish to mention at this time. Maybe within the future.
ReplyDeleteAllowing yourself to recognize a defining moment is a wonderful freeing experience. I am happy for you
ReplyDeleteA great place to be within yourself, I'm happy for you Jack.
ReplyDeleteThanks Tee, I just logged on here and will be back later in the eve.
ReplyDeleteIt is GG. I am on here briefly but there is a someone special within my life right now. I don't throw all the eggs in one basket, but I do feel whole
ReplyDeleteafter all that took place. It's ironic, yet it's good.
. that sounds like good news jack:)
ReplyDeleteAs it is Caroline...I have to go...all the best.
ReplyDeleteGlad that you found peace Jack...
ReplyDeleteI am and I hope that there is someone else that is as well as there is a person that is kinda within my life. For all that did think I was gay. No I am not.
ReplyDeleteYet there is nothing wrong with that, but I like pitching ball for the same team. Jules the past is the past I have thought over this post more than anyone would know.
Sometimes I am not sure if I should have but -------------------------------------------- "big but", I sent this only to all friends no others. Maybe there is a good reason for
writing. Then there are some things that you do keep to yourself. Every friend of mine from my life lives on this era of my life.
I don't. It did cause much pain. It did bring in things back then with the .............can't say the names but I have federal security clearance by way of my work and
I am glad. I am sorry that I can't go into detail, but each one of us has experienced something in the past and we let it go. I did. The it brought things back but just for a while.
Things are usually just things filed away below the conscious level. This was one thing that was a turning point in my life. Yet that was yesterday this is now.
I think we know when to place the past into the past as I have.
ReplyDeleteAnd indeed today is a new day..glad you were able to find closure and peace over the things of the past..Peace and blessings , always
ReplyDeleteIt is I hoped to move on to another write but tomorrow. Everyone deserves good closure.
ReplyDeleteWe live and we move within our own ways, in prayers or what ever it takes. But we never surrender Cheryl.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to have had a good day Jack. I am happy to see you feeling so well. Wonderful, bien oui. Bonne nuit Jack. I will listen to the song you have put there, I do not think I know that one from Bon Jovi. Enjoy the weekend. It is St-Patrick`s day, there is a parade in Montreal for it. Are there celebrations for St-Patrick in Saskatoon?
ReplyDeleteYou know I logged on here and I am sure there is yet I literally forgot about St. Patrick’s Day. Green....hmmm. The time of the "lucky leprechaun".
ReplyDeleteWhatever that means to you Jack, i hope and sincerely pray that you finally find your happiness. Life is too short to just let it pass by without someone beside you to complete the happiness. I am with you ... haven't i say that many time over [?] hmmm laughs* - hugs tight and keep smiling please :)
ReplyDeleteThis is my second readings of what you wrote here Jack. And ... third ... can no longer count. Trying to get the feel of the in between[s] ... and i am glad you finally let go of whatever thoughts and worries that you feel inside. A welcome sign that you are about to give a new beginnings to yourself. But please let your feelings be known to the person your having a special feeling with. Don't keep it. For all you know ... she might be loving you too from a distance. Just be sure that the feelings from you is true and honest, sincere and for keeps ...
ReplyDeletehugs tight Jack :)
[[hugsss]] for a peaceful day ..:)
ReplyDeleteGuess what? I am literally happy. I just arrived home after my third stage of my plan as I went for a simple 20 minute jog. Yet if you read closely you will find that this was about something that has been with me for a long time and just two nights ago I had a huge weight (which I thought was completely gone) but obviously to the extent that I feel which is very good - I literally mean good. It's all within this plan where I believe once you start something other areas of abundance come within ones sphere/scope.
ReplyDeleteHey Caroline I just arrived in from a jog and you know what? If I can visualize it, most often I can render it. It's Saturday here and yesterday I went gym hunting as there are a few that I thought maybe it's time for a change. So this on called the "Field House". I think I shall start training there on Tuesday.
ReplyDeleteFor today, it's 7:30am and getting a call at 10 and then leaving out to the mall to get some good new exercise wear and then who knows but it shall be peace full or fun.
I extend the same to you Caroline.