Today I was Stunned

Now I have come to an understanding – maybe which takes a little time I would suppose.  There have been a few whom have tried to aid within creating a relationship within between my father and myself.  To relinquish some relationship between my father and myself.  I never thought I would look at my father as a lesser man.  Yet on this day for one that was entirely about integrity and one of my best friends, it comes apparent to me that there are two faces to the man.  One good friend here from within this town came to meet my father.  In the beginning of this process of getting off a stress medication – you would think that the man would understand before he comes to his own end within life that he would wish to relinquish a relationship between him and myself. From my friend whom had called him yesterday, as his desire was to see that that there was some relinquishing between a father and a son.  Lorne showing his good side was all for speaking with myself.  Yet that would never come to be.  Ironic and very trying to say the least.  Good old Lorne had placed on a different side of face if you will.  I was pleased to see this as I have been ready for a mature angle of all this of forgive and forget. Then while a visit to my family doctor whom as well has met Lorne within very trying times of one year ago – which placed myself in a situation where I was fighting my own battles with in trying to come off a high dose of a medication used for stress called clonazepam.  Lorne never took the time to consider what I was going through.  I assume it was due to a vascular dementia of a minor.  Dr. Dr. “B” one whom is a tremendous doctor – new that within the manner that I was living there would be no manner which I could get off a high dosage until I was placed within some home care.  That within it self is a different matter.

Again as of today at a time, where Lyall thought there was a great opportunity to relinquish some normality.  Dr. Dr. “B” had given Lorne a call for now what is probably the fourth time if not more.  I was sitting there while Dr. “B” called over to my folks.  First, my sister had picked up the phone as she lives there with them.  Dr. "B", knew all to well with the situation with my older sister (that is one, which goes without saying) and then there realization was that Lorne has not changed his tune.  As I listened into the conversation – it was disheartening to see a father whom has a hate on for myself.  After the conversation, Dr. “B” had said that it would be best that I just stay away from any visitations to the family.  I questioned if it was due to vascular dementia – my doctor whom had met Lorne indicated that it’s to the contrary and for a professional who has an etiquette and mannerism.  He mentioned that aside of all concerns pertaining with my mother – my father is full aware of what he is doing and don’t count on anything from a man that has a Jekyll & Hyde side to him.  Neither of these men had seen anything like the vengeance and bad will and made up areas on his son – which is I.  The term came up now by more than two people – Asshole.

My father had made up stories while I listened of how the police within Saskatoon had made an order that I never make a visitation.  Which when called and as well within just a few months ago, I had my federal security clearance renewed.  So on this day I don’t have any family.  Within her plight, my mother has called me at times and there is not one think I can do for her.  In some manner, my father and sister are reliant on my mother – they see her as the be all and end all.  It’s time to just accept this and stay true within my own ideals.  Certainly, a person has an array of feelings yet I again have to let this go.  I don’t know anyone that has gone through and ordeal as such.  Yet it’s probably one of the worst things, which I shall accept within my life.  I am sending this to friends/contact as I have more things, which are more stressing, and as well, a let down – but my determination is within tomorrow as this too shall pass not within the means of that of which I had thought but I believe within where there is a will there is a way.

My goals are not ideals and I shall not look pleasantly back on this time, but I shall go forth within my life.

(I have wrote this to those of my contacts and friends)